As a psychotherapist I work with many couples that come to the office seeking some type of sexual healing from years of silence and brewing thoughts. One of my first questions is; how much is sex a subject of conversation? Puzzled, they often look at me and say lately a lot, because there are problems but at the beginning we never did. That is what I call hitting the nail on the head. The less you talk about SEX in the present the more it will become a problem in the future.
Studies done by Sandra Byers consistently observed that sexual communication is one of the most important factors in regards to sexual satisfaction and sexual well-being. In other words, those individuals that talk more openly about their sexual preferences to their partners, likes and dislikes report a greater sexual happiness. Disclosure about your preference informing your partner what you like or don’t like sexual and vice versa. This is very important because everyone is different and what works for one might not work for the other.
Everyone has different ideas, fantasies and experiences about sex and as sexual beings. These preferences also have a tendency to change as hormones fluctuate with age and life situations change. Talking about sex from the beginning can not only help the couple have a better sex life, but can also help increase intimacy, bond the couple more, increase self-esteem outside and inside the bedroom, create a good base to eventually have the birds and the bees talk with your children, and most of all make other couple conversations more tolerable. The big question is how can you start these conversations?
Some of these Tools can help you Kick Start the Sex Dialogue
There are plenty of books out there that can help you start talking about what you like and don’t like. Start with what has helped couples for hundreds of years: the Kama Sutra, as the old adage says pictures are louder than words. This comes in versions for straight, gay, and lesbian couples. It is something that each person should have on their bookshelf. Early on, take it out and talk about different positions that you have done, do not like or have never tried. The first time around it will probably be a more difficult and maybe even be an embarrassing conversation, but with time you will get a hang of it. Take it out every year or so, see if anything has changed. There are other books such as The Illustrated Manual of Sex Therapy, a book you might want to take a look at for inspiration.
A good way to help you start talking is by playing some games. There are so many sex games out there. Sex dice, board games, card games you name it. It exists. Games can help you start serious conversations in a fun way. It is important to become comfortable with this topic. The best sex is when you get what you want and give what the other person likes. There are many online games too. Gottman developed a series of apps called Sex Questions to Ask Women and Sex Questions to Ask Men.
Lastly, movies are a good way to start conversations. They do not necessarily have to be pornographic films. They can be erotic movies, romantic comedies such as He’s Just Not Into You or This Is 40. These movies can spark conversations about sex, affairs, novelties, positions, places, fantasies. Let your imagination run wild.
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